I'm full of coffee and, having just watched Room 101, felt inspired to make a wee list of things that boil my piss, as a form of catharthis. This is designed, in the words of the great Peter Cook, "to get some things off my chest, and on to other peoples'."
Obviously this is a heavily redacted inventory, but I had to write this quickly as I've got some laundry to sort out:
- Band competitions. Music is not a competition and musical opinion is always, *always* entirely subjective. Who is the best band in Cambridge? Who cares?
- The Conservative Party. Do I really have to explain this one?
- Ill-mannered people. Just how do you think that being obnoxious, rude or ignorant makes you a better person or the world a better place?
- Celebrities. Hate the word, hate the concept, hate the magazines, hate the TV shows. The concept of celebrity demeans real achievement and needlessly elevates the perceived status of preening self-important performing chimps.
- The recorded works of Stereophonics. Although I will grudgingly admit that it's quite an achievement making "beige" a musical genre.
- Consumerism. Yes, I buy things, of course I do, but I'm increasingly noticing that people are becoming defined by what they own, not by who or what they are. This makes me twitchy.
- Masterchef. Cooking doesn't get any tougher than this. Apparently.
- Patriotism. You do realise that your country of birth is an accident and an irrelevance, don't you? You don't? Oh.
- Writing “should of” instead of “should have”. Were you forcibly removed from school at the age of six?
- Playing on people's fears and insecurities to either make money or exercise control over them. Applies to governments, advertisers, organised religions and psychics/mediums. Well done, all of you. No, really.
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